In November, I started hearing mentions of something called “Elf on the Shelf”. I had not previously known what this was and thought it was the next growing viral video sensation. Naturally, I eventually decided to Google it.

What I found was the latest in Christmas trends, and it was frightening. How it works is there is an elf. He comes with a book that you read to your children. The story goes that Santa can’t possibly know which little kids are naughty or nice so they sent an elf to come watch them and relay back to Santa. The rules are that the elf cannot be touched or it will lose its magic. Parents are supposed to put the elf in random places around the house while the child is not looking to provide the illusion that the thing is alive and is indeed watching.

All this might seem okay and magical but LOOK AT THE ELF. His little beady eyes are the creepiest thing. It reminds me of Slappy, the dummy from Goosebumps. He is literally looking at you from an eerie angle. On top of this you are told that he exists to watch and listen. If I saw this thing as a child moving around in my house I’d lose my mind. Not in a good way. In a HOLY SHIT HE IS GOING TO KILL ME sort of way. Because I was that sort of child.

I was a smart child. I would have figured that this thing was here to ruin my ability to be naughty. I wouldn’t be able to eat copious amounts of holiday candy or take sneak peeks at my presents. Every time I thought about getting into mischief would be questioned by this lingering elf. Ultimately, I’d get mad and want to defeat it, despite still thinking it was the scariest thing ever. Sooner or later I’d go up to it and touch it and allow it to lose its magic. Then I’d rip his head off so there would be no way it could report back to Santa. Then I’d be the winner of Christmas.

In reality, we all know Santa is not real and that parents will buy their kids presents no matter what.