Sometimes I’m like a robot. I have a set of tasks I need to get done before I let myself go to bed. I’ll go on for weeks and months like this.
Then eventually like a robot, I break down a little. I get tired, anxious, stressed out, maybe even depressed. It’s awkward to talk about but at times talking about it is the greatest way to fix it. I need to let myself relax, without thinking about the a million things (there are always things) that I could/should be doing. I’m like a robot that needs to stay on the task at hand and doesn’t know anything else.
This weekend, I’m letting myself relax. Some e-mails will go unanswered. Some posts will go unwritten. Walks will be taken. Food will be eaten. Naps will be taken. Robots need to be recharged once in a while, and I do too.
Recently I read Anupa Mistry’s piece in The Hairpin called All About Me. In the article she talks a lot about the privilege of beauty.
I never really considered myself beautiful. I have a flat nose, a gigantic head and always look like I am slouching, even when I think I am not.
Growing up, I watched as my adorable little sister got away with things I would never have dreamed of. Beautiful people I observed through life seemed to make more friends and had a powerful natural confidence that I always dreamed I could have.
But in the past few years or so, I noticed the value of something more than beauty. The value of weird. I thank the internet – especially twitter and blogs- for this. I discovered different types of quirky people and soon realized that people appreciated all the strange things about me. It enabled me to organically grow my social media following who occasionally converted over to real life friends. I acquired some out-there freelance gigs and a boyfriend who seems to love all the peculiarities about me.
The insecurities about my looks became a non-priority. I have been sharing more selfies and personal blog entries with the goal of highlighting everything that makes me who I am. The whole idea of selfies, blogging and social media can occasionally seem self-centered but that’s okay. Let it be.
Lately my turtle has been trying to escape. Each attempt would result in him flipping upside down, yet he never gives up because he has successfully done it once. I admire an animal’s determination and feel like I could learn more a little bit more persistence.
I had a hectic weekend of photographing a music festival. Look out for a post on the Food Trucks there soon! Tonight I decided to take a break from photo editing/writing and have a board game night with friends. With all the hectic things coming up, it’s nice to do something different to clear my head!
Whether you’re working or just busy, don’t forget to sneak a bit of yourself in each day. It’s totally key to happiness. Whether it’s eat your favourite food during a quick lunch, or listen to your favourite songs as you type those spreadsheets, giving yourself something you can have total control of results in a more positive attitude. For me, it’s sneaking a little bit of something into my wardrobe. I like to sneak in some fun socks underneath my formal attire.
When I moved into my apartment, my lease stated that I was not allowed to drill holes in the walls. It wasn’t until I decided to hang up my Wavelength Pop-Up Gallery photos that I decided to look for other ways to put stuff up that wouldn’t leave any marks. Then I found the entire line of Command damage-free wall hangs at Dollarama!
Anyways, I decided to add a whiteboard to my creative corner and found a neat magnetic one from The Board Dudes that has a cork board frame. Now I’m ready to organize my thoughts and to-dos all in one place. I have a really bad habit of flagging too many e-mails or bookmarking too much stuff so this is a good way to mark down what is truly important. Sometimes the ease of digital things just gets in the way.
I love having a little corner in my small apartment where I can dedicate to being creative, whether it’s making art with my drawer full of supplies or simply just writing. A designated spot to me is integral for productivity and also a lovely place to take a mental break.
Today I stumbled across Mark Manson’s article about the Subtle Art Of Not Giving a Fuck. Something about it really struck a cord with me (maybe it was the 127 instances of the word fuck screwing with my brain). Anyways, what I learnt from it is that I give too many fucks, that I care too much about too many things, something we all do.
An important point that Manson made was that “not giving a fuck” is not the same as being indifferent. Choosing to be indifferent still requires conscious effort to tell people you care indeed indifferent and therefore you are “giving a fuck”.
The goal instead should be to only “give a fuck” about the things that matter. For example, do more things to satisfy yourself instead of considering too much about what others might say. Or taking risks without thinking too much about all the consequences. It’s about being comfortable with being different.
I find I care (or at least use to) too much about things I read on the Internet: slactivist petitions, news stories, debates etc. In reality putting too much thought in these is a waste of time and energy if my heart isn’t truly in it. How many times have you signed a petition blindly just because your friends are doing it? Or became outspoken about something you don’t even completely understand just because it’s “the thing to do”?
For now on, I want to give less fucks about things. The events I am missing, the things other people are saying, gossip, small useless details. I don’t give a fuck about the things people think I should give a fuck about.
Instead, I will focus all my energy in the things that I do give a fuck about including passions, family and friends.
The past few weeks have been a little bit crazy. I’ve hardly had more than 20 minutes to sit down in my apartment before heading out to a another event or going to work or working at an event. As summer is approaching, this isn’t really going to change much for the next three months.
My friends like to ask me “How do you do it? How do you have the energy?” There’s one simple answer:
I just do it.
If I had to question my energy levels or give up on things because I was too tired, I would literally never do anything. Thinking too much about things like that is a literal waste of energy. I would become overwhelmed with the things I need to do instead of actually doing them.
That’s not to say that I don’t value rest. Rest is important. It’s needed. I always take a coffee break during my lunch hours, forcing myself to get up from my desk and take a 10 minute walk to Timmies. It clears my head and also allows me to soak in some sun. I also enjoy the occasional Netflix binge or a good sleep in.
However, if I have blog posts to write, places to go, photos to edit, I don’t think much about how I am supposed to do them. I just do it.
Today is officially the last day of my 30 days of no complaining challenge. While it was literally impossible to eliminate allcomplaining the month taught me to be more mindful of other people as well as play a more active role in solving problems. Honestly, I don’t know if it was the climb out of winter depression or this exercise but I had a very happy month of April.
I had less worries, but as a person that has suffered from anxiety/depression, being worry-free is simply impossible. I just focused my energy into getting things done or allowing myself more time to relax when needed. There was less of that in between period of pondering to myself or someone else whether I should or should not be doing something. Relevant to this, I read the following phrase in Amy Poehler’s Yes Please and instantly fell in love:
“The talking about the thing isn’t the thing. The thing is the thing.”
It’s the best because it implies dealing with the problem head on rather than complaining. It’s a phrase I need to write on a piece of wood and hang on the wall.
This was a great exercise to have for a month, but I am unsure if I am going to continue the same way. I will for sure be mindful and determined to find solutions but the occasional bout of unloading is not only satisfying, I believe it’s healthy. It’s day 30 and I am having the biggest tension headache and I think the biggest cause is not being able to actively off-load some negative emotions for an entire month. I’m sure I can sleep it off and tomorrow will be a new month and mark the challenge’s end!
Anyways, I tried that ridiculous Microsoft thing and I got 20 so no complaints here…
Every day there are trials and dumb things that happen and things that are beyond your control. Don’t forget to reward yourself every once and a while that you’ve survived.
Tiana Feng 