Poorly Written Song Commercials

I’m not talking about jingles. 1-800-267-2001. If you’re Canadian, I just got that stuck in your head right? Anyways, this post is about poorly written songs in commercials that don’t rhyme, and aren’t memorable in any way except for their suckiness. The most recent being this one which reiterates in different forms all over the Food Network.

Now did that entice you to buy chocolate in any way? Side note: I can’t believe people in the Youtube comments actually inquire the name/artist of the song as if it is legitimate.

However, the most guilty culprit of horrible commercials lies not in adult products, but the ones directed to little girls. For example, watch ANY Barbie commercial:

Who gets hired to sing these things? Do they make a lot of money? If so, where do I sign? This does rhyme, but the song itself isn’t really doing anything except singing what they are doing. Imagine if I was going through my day singing what I am doing in rhyme.

“I AM WAKING UP NOW. GOING TO DRINK SOME MILK OUT OF A COW.”

To be fair Barbie used to have good commercials. For instance this first commercial ever seems to have a better song. Or maybe everything sounds better when it’s sung in 1959 swing style.

This doesn’t seem to be the case for toys targeted to boys. They get more epic sounding songs with very enthusiastic voice-overs.

That looks fuckin’ awesome. Girls have to deal with more of these:

FYI, I always thought boys had cooler toys. I think my disdain for barbies, dolls and ponies comes from the fact that my ears were pretty musically trained at a young age. My future children are going watch their television streaming so they will never have to suffer through these.

What horrible song commercial have you seen lately? Perhaps it is too terrible to remember.

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Dear People In Crowded Parking Lots

For Canada’s day I participated in the act of firework watching. We didn’t go right into the heart of city hall but watched close-by on the porches of a nearby movie theater.

It was a lovely night. That was until we had to leave the underground parking lot of Square One along with 10,000 others. It was chaos, and to everyone there (and in future crowded parking lots) I want to say the following:

  • Unless a)your house is on fire, b)someone is dying or c)both you aren’t entitled to get out of the parking lot any faster than anybody else
  • Just because your soccer(/sports) team lost (Italy) that day, it doesn’t mean you can take it out on other drivers by yelling freakishly out your car window
  • Don’t signal until you fully decide what direction you are going to turn.
  • Road markings indeed point in the right direction. Don’t imagine your own.
  • Unless suicide is your intention, don’t get up and walk around in the mob of cars.
  • Tailgating while you are stuck on a slope is a bad idea.
  • Circling around a parking lot with one exit won’t get you anywhere.
  • Just because I’m a cute little Asian girl doesn’t mean I’ll let you cut me off.

5 Types of Really Unnecessary Tweets

I’m reaching my 3 year anniversary soon on Twitter (@tianafeng) and it has become a valuable tool for information, as well as networking with interesting individuals. Unfortunately with that also comes spam, and clutter of people who post things that are well, unnecessary.

1. Tweets about going to the gym. Unless you work in the fitness industry as a trainer or a blogger, I feel like your followers don’t need to know you are trying to work off that burger you instagram’d 10 minutes ago.

2. Retweeting your praises. I already think you are somewhat awesome if I follow you. You don’t need to keep retweeting how much other people think you’re awesome. Does this raise your awesomness level? No. Remember, people who don’t follow you won’t see these anyway and those that do might see you as an egotistic jerk.

3. Tweets about how much your life sucks. Maybe there is a reason your life isn’t turning out the way you want it to, because you enable it to. Broadcasting it to the world isn’t helping you in any way and shuts the doors to any opportunities that may come your way such as new friends or even job openings.

4. Tweets about your crush or the boy/girl you are stalking. Yes, these exist. Whether it’s the attractive person at the coffee shop, or the friend of a friend, don’t do it. You appear excessively creepy, and maybe that’s why you aren’t in a relationship. Stop looking at Craigslist’s Missed Connections and just go talk to the person. The time you spend tweeting about them can be well spent actually talking to them.

5. Passive aggressive messages to a specific person. Whether this person is actually following you or not, these are very unnecessary. If you have a feud in real life, resolve things offline. The online world doesn’t need to know you hold silly grudges. Besides if you post something stupid like “I HATE YOU!!!!”, someone might mistake it as to them.

10 Types of People That Need to Stop Calling My House


Our family is seriously considering cancelling the home phone. With the exception of a handful of people who don’t know how to use the internet, nobody calls the house. The four of us have our own individual cellphones and the only calls we seem to get are the irritating kinds.

Duct cleaning services are by far the worst offender. Every day it’s a different company in the city. How many ducts can possibly need cleaning that requires the need for 100 companies making 25 calls a day? I’m beginning to think that all these companies and phone calls are just a front for something else. I mean, if you did need duct cleaning, I don’t think you would go to the first person who calls you. You’d probably research it first. It’s not cheap. Maybe these duct cleaning calls are a secret message for “Do you want to buy drugs?”

Why I Dislike Grocery Shopping on the Weekends


Until I am full-time employed, I live in the suburbs at my parent’s house. This month they happened to be on a trip so I am here to fend for myself in terms of being fed. Throughout the week I collected flyers of the nearby supermarkets and circled items on sale. My parents had always gone grocery shopping on the weekend, so I thought it would be plausible to do the same. However, I discovered it is one of the worst things ever.

People forget how to drive shopping carts. It’s like all the people who drive in rush hour on a weekday some how congregated into the same supermarket. There is no order whatsoever. You just go whenever the path is clear. If ever. The only exception seems to be the organic food aisle. Have you seen the prices? It’s no wonder nobody goes down there. The worst offenders of shopping cart mayhem seem to be senile old people who seem to yell at you from every direction. I like to pretend that they probably drive like this too.

There’s more of a chance of running into somebody you know. I ran into the parent’s of one of the kids I used to teach. It was a pleasant encounter except for the fact I was trying to stock up on 5 packs of bacon. It makes things awkward when their cart consists of vegetables and organic cereals. Way to make me feel guilty. Not of my own eating habits of course, just that I’m the mockery of theirs.

It’s survival of the fittest. Why do you need 10 jugs of orange juice? I only wanted one for my sister. If you want to get any sales item, you must get there first. Run. And if you came to an empty rack, glare at the person who has a mountain on their cart.

The lines are like the ones at Disney World. Forget express lanes. People on weekends don’t know how to count. Hey dude in front of me you clearly have more than 10 items. I’m only trying to buy these two tomatoes. Again, you also get the senile old people and the people who pretend they don’t know English (and therefore the sign) who cut in front of you. This makes going to multiple stores for sales a pain in the ass.

If you’re a weekly weekend shopper, I tip my imaginary hat to you. You must be a trooper. As for me, I think I will avoid this trip for a more subdued time of week.

Why The Hunger Games is Less Retarded Than Twilight


I never jumped on the Twilight bandwagon, maybe because it’s semi-embarrassing to be associated with it. Also, I was never really that into the cliche idea of vampires and werewolves. Even if The Hunger Games shares similarities to Japanese movie Battle Royale and Steven King’s Running Man there are more reasons to love this new novel-turned-movie franchise.

I didn’t have to force my boyfriend to go see it. Like I had mentioned, The Hunger Games is less embarrassing and I didn’t have a problem convincing my boyfriend to go see it. Although there is the love triangle involved, the idea of a “chick flick” is masked with the idea of kids killing each other off.

Katniss Everdeen is way cooler than Bella Swan. Katniss is pretty bad-ass, a rebel that started a revolution. She is well loved and doesn’t want to commit to either man. Bella’s just some “average girl” in which anybody can take her place (that was the point right?), but Katniss has heart, character and history. I don’t want to be in Katniss’ shoes, but I want to read about adventure. I enjoyed her fearlessness and her independence. The National Review once said that Bella gets what she wants eventually “by giving up her identity and throwing away nearly everything in life that matters” I don’t really care much for Bella’s story and the fact that she will end up marrying and having a vampire baby.

The Hunger Games mocks our obsession with reality television. Whether or not it was intentional, The Hunger Games mocks our own society. If we’ve gone to extremes of making such things as Teen Mom a hit, what’s in the future of reality television? Will we have our own version of the Hunger Games? I don’t think Twilight makes us think about society in any way, unless it’s maybe that boy down the road is a vampire.

I sort of want a Mockingjay pin. I usually don’t like movie paraphernalia, but if it’s a token of being a rebel. Something like Edward’s face on my wall would be much more embarrassing.

In 3 not-so-long books, Suzanne Collins created a complicated world and it’s movie marketing campaign ingeniously created a tour of it’s Capitol. It didn’t rely on hot men, (although Gale and Peetah’s portrayal is not bad), or overly CG’d girls. You can see every imperfection on Jenniffer Lawrence, but that didn’t matter. I loved the cliffhangers in the end of every chapter of Suzanne Collin’s books. They were intelligently thought out but the only thing that makes Twilight books look smart is the intimidating size of their hardcovers.

WTF is a Slim Burger?

Hero Burger is just one of those okay burger joints in Toronto. I think they just have too many choices. I prefer places were the burger toppings have been worked out to perfection and are presented at a price that isn’t an absurd. I always seem to make a fail burger at Hero Burger because I either forget to say an important topping or I just don’t say much or I’d be that annoying pretentious person in line. But anyway, this isn’t a rant about toppings at Hero Burger.

The other day I was at Hero because it had just happened to be a convenient place for lunch. I had an average “Hero Burger” but was enjoying the freshly hot fries. While I was eating, I was appalled from the little table sign that was sitting in front of me. It was an introduction to what would be called the Slim burger. To me, it just seemed like a burger with a lack of bun. Sure less bread does mean fewer calories, but it also means it would be an atrocious thing to eat. The sauce would break the thin bread and the contents would just fall out. It’s a disgrace to a burger.

Honestly, if you are trying to diet, what on earth are you doing in a burger joint? It’s not cheap either. I hate people who call themselves foodies and obsess over dieting. Go back to the celery you came from. This stupid sign was an idiotic reminder that I should probably be eating healthier, but I don’t want to be. I eat what I want. Whoever comes into Hero Burger probably doesn’t give a crap about their diet, they just want a burger. If you’re one of those people who do, is eating a slim burger going to make you feel better? slimmer?. The answer is no. The Slim Burger needs to go away and soon. It is just something that shouldn’t exist, like the veggie burger, except those people know what they’re getting into.

Don’t Let a Blog Tell You What to Think


It’s obvious that everything said on the internet has to be read with a grain of salt. Whether it be what music marketing method works for you or what cure WebMD has for your current illness.

Lately I’ve watched my friends obsess over the growing phenomenon that is Thought Catalog. On my first time hearing the name of the site, my first instinct was that it was a place that provoked thoughts in a good way. However, upon actually browsing the site I realized that it feeds the same dribble that teen magazines are made up of. The majority of it is articles on relationships and how not to feel sorry for yourself that you are single. Maybe I can’t relate because I am in a happy relationship, but the worst part of all this is my single friends follow it like it’s their religion.